I’m so out of shape, I bring my phone to the mailbox in case I need an Uber to get back.
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I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Got fired from my job at the zoo because I kept trying to wax the turtles
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Sing it!
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love!! They just opened up a cheesecake sample cart at Costco
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
the way he checked his surroundings 😭
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
babe wake up, it’s stupid outside
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.