I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
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A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Boss: How was vacation?
Me: Better than this.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers