Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.

My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic

Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?

God: Yes

Raccoon: Comical?

God: *chuckles* Yes

Raccoon: Would make a great pet?

God: Oh my yes

Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!

God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda

5yo: I want a snack.

M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.

5: I NEED CHOICES!

M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.

what

Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L

I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.

If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?

I’m not one of those who will like or retweet something just because I agree with it. I’ll like a tweet purely for it having 665 likes

A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town

Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.

Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.

Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.

director: ok, hit the lights

me: *slaps a lamp*

director: no i meant kill the lights

me: *pulls out a gun*

I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.

Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.

Broke my make-up mirror this morning.

I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”

oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review

[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*

Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox

Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾‍♀️😂

I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.

Tell my story.

Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do

A Haiku For My Salad:

I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad

My safe word is “insufficient funds”.

My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”

Me: “It’s amazing.”

Her: “OK, I’ll join.”

Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”

Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”

Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.

*at least it’s a short knife.

When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.