I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
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“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.