I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
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Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah