Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces

Word!

Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.

My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.

I said, try ordering Tacos instead.

I may appear calm on the outside…

…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.

There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao

That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.

” Don’t be upset”

Thanks man , I needed to be told that

I’m better now.

ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?

“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”

There will never be a perfect time. Make that mistake now.

Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim

Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.

[fire alarm]

Hotel California manager: oh no

When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.

how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism

Springsteen: baby we were born to run

Springsadult: let’s just take a cab

Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]

Lmao 🤣

sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers

*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*

Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?

Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.

Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.

Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!

When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.

Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.

Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year

*tries to lose weight by talking about it*

I’m here!

– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters

As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon