I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
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When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside.. that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
No one approached me–a reliable stranger–to take a picture of their family yesterday. Could’ve been the eye patch