Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.

See ya later, alligator.

After a while, crocodile.

Catch ya mañana, little iguana.

Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.

Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios

*one of those scenarios turns out to be true

Me: I KNEW IT!

[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*

God: you’re an amphibian.

Frog: what does that mean?

God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.

Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?

God: no that’s not what I-

Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.

Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.

getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point

When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already

windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol

idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]

“why do you take so long in the shower?”

me:

Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no

ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked

“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”

Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.

*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*

My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.

Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?

BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver

Give me a minute, I can make this about me.

[text]

Her: I picked up buffalo wings.

Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting

God: go forth and multiply

Me: I was told there would be no math.

wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*

The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:

1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween

*Cleans glasses*

“Omg I have a cat?”

I’m the neighbor

[ opening mail ]

Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.

Me: What?!

Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.

Me:

Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.

[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight

[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts