I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
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3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”