Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.

i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow

I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm

if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault

[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*

7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!

4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!

me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*

pickle jar: oh oh

i thought lingerie was a type of noodle

Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states

Him: yeah?

*steals his car*

Free on bail. Time to pay some meddling kids a visit.

Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!

Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…

Cat 1: hey let’s have a big fight and trash this place

Cat 2: ok, but let’s wait till the human is in a deep sleep for maximum effect

Cat 1: smart. imma barf between the couch cushions while he’s brushing his teeth tho

I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.

St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!

[First target practice]

Son: I missed

Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.

What I said: I do.

What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.

I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.

I need better friends

hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie

Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide

Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?

Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.

Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.

A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.

[three days after inventing phone]

*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*

Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs

So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend

Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.

EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer

Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting

[me, stacking babies on top of each other]

Him: Wha…What are you doin there?

Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.