I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
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Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Me- thinks maybe I’ll take 8 to her first Pearl Jam show
8- thinks the audience is clapping too loud during The Nutcracker
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
The single bravest thing you can do over 40, is go somewhere in the cold with a full bladder
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall