“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
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KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
notice
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!