I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
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Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
the worm is coming from inside the brain
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.