Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

townsfolk: you should come to the festival

me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?

townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?

me: oh i’m going regardless

Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.

Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.

Him: Grew peas?

Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.

I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.

I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.

When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset

[restaurant]

WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?

TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks

*walking into store*

Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*

Marriage level: Expert

NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.

[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body

what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince

[1st date]

Me: “So, what do you do?”

Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”

Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”

When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.

A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…

Computer: would you like to update?

Me: remind me tomorrow

[tomorrow]

Me: I did not see this coming

Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?

Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.

which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills

At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.

The police never think its as funny as you do.

Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land

If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.

Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?

I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.

Wife: why are you smiling?

[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]

Me: I was thinking about you.

Copy Editor is a rewording career.

I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.

me whenever anyone asks about my job: yeah i absolutely love hospitality! every day you get the chance to make someone’s day and it’s incredibly rewarding 🙂

me 0.5 seconds into a shift: they should invent a slur for customers

It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.

lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down