I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
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Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Just found $27 in my washing machine, it’s a bad day to be an Applebees happy hour
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons