Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?

Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.

Me: hi 🙂

Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???

Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows

So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.

I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.

gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake

My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.

Parenting is easy

If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.

Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.

Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”

My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.

When I play the kazoo, I play to win

“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.

I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.

The good news: once you get a PhD, friends and family will refer to you as doctor.

The bad news: They will only do it sarcastically after you get basic trivia wrong.

[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*

[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*

My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.

Diet, Day 14:

I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.

But I’m starting to really like pears.

When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.

Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag

How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.

Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe

RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on

[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”

Me: “He’s my service dog.”

My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”

*At the bar

Me)May I sit here?

Her)I have a boyfriend

Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down

HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched

Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!

Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire

They say sex is the best for of exercise.

Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.

Brb my Sims are getting married