I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
You Might Also Like
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
