Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.

*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB

Vacation Summary:

I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.

First person to eat a banana: this is not good

First person to peel a banana: dude guess what

*Uses public restroom

**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel

I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!

Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money

I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.

-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”

we must combat the global scourge of underage baking

The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.

So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?

Dieting is bullshit.

sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over

“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,

Pee on it and walk away.”

Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.

Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?

The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess

If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.

[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks

[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this

Me: I wonder why my lower back hurts

My period: yeah what a mystery

just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”

still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.

Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re

My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.

I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.

I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs

Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.

Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.

Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?

Me: oh definitely Star Wars

Them: ……

Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away

Me: it’s also my favorite historical film

[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza

*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*

“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”