Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”

I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.

My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.

Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”

Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”

Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?

Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…

Humans were not meant to have this many passwords

Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to

[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN

Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.

Am I capable of premeditated murder?

Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.

My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.

I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.

*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*

sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇

[produce section, grocery store]

Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?

Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.

(First date)

Her: I like men who take charge.

Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*

when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok

Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’

it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us

Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?

“There’s someone out there for everyone”.

A really vague Receptionist.

We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”

BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement

My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.

A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble

If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.

[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?

Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.

*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*

who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?

LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem