Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to

Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.

I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic

none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box

She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.

Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.

I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket

I don’t know how my parents avoided boredom before the internet. My 13 brothers and sisters don’t know either.

Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”

Me: *looks up from phone*

“What?”

[first day in the Mafia]

Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked

Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?

Me: oh no

“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.

I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?

bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!

[everyone freezes]

bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet

Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.

Help me. I just emailed someone called Colin and it autocorrected to Colon. I called him Colon. I’ve sent it, it’s too late. Just saw it now. Do I apologise or act like I don’t know. Is anyone else here called Colin. Does this ever happen? What are your expectations?

[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]

ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer

ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.

JINN: Done.

[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]

JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.

ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.

me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up

my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass

{Commercial for Floors}

Is this you?

{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}

I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.

I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box

HER: Wow you look great.

ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.

My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.

4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.

Me: Who is it?

4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.

Me: Son of a ….

I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.

Jigsaw: I want to play a game

Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games

Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG

You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.

A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain

But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?