I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
You Might Also Like
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
I was feeling lonely so I bought some shares.
It’s nice to have some company
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
I put the hot in psychotic.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Boss: How was vacation?
Me: Better than this.