Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.

t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs

I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…

The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.

I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.

kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum

mom: who?

kid: grandma. she’s coming back

mom: honey grandma died years ago

[urn falls off mantle]

mom: get the—

kid: —vacuum?

BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width

Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??

Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?

jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing

george would invest and lose everything

kramer would become a billionaire

elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy

Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!

“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.

The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room

When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.

NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.

Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.

nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time

getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing

This is my emotional support chloroform rag

Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.

Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?

The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.

[playing checkers]

him: king me

me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate

Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.

my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi

ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do

Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.

“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”

They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.

Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?

In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?