Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.

Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.

those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal

No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.

Waffles are just pancakes with abs.

I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.

~ Why I was kicked off the debate team

Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.

Wife: What is this?

Me: The grocery list

W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”

Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way

My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work

Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.

ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high

CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk

ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af

CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!

WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.

ME: A John Dough

HER: Get out!

Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…

I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless

What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.

Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…

If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong

Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.

*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”

I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.

I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.

Worst. Transformer. Ever .

*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*

Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.

Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*

Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing

We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.

Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.

cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?

astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely

I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.

Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.