I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
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[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Hero horse inspires millions
I love the honesty
Why it’s so many prime days?
They broke ?
So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”…. replying with “well I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response
I’m taking my kids with me to the office today. They’ll learn about my industry and what I do for a living and my coworkers will learn why I show up to work looking like a disheveled, defeated husk of a man.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Seeing your own mental illnesses in your parents is wild. I’m like… could you have passed down good genes and a house already paid for instead
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Wait….making the right choices is an option?!
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.