Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.

A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.

A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.

I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.

How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?

Ewok’d the rest of the way.

#BearDay #RubbishJokes

7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified

7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials

If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.

Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”

My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.

Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.

[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs

My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420

You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body

Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.

you watch a movie then have to go to work the next day doesn’t seem right

BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.

The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:

Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.

Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”

“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.

The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”

Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.

“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil

“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented

Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.

there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial

me: how much for the dog bouquet

girl walking dogs: what

[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes

I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.

And they are appalled.

Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.

If you’re going end up on an episode of Dateline, make sure you’re the killer

My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.