Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me [sneezes]: excuse me.

guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.

[letter to vitamin company]

So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff

[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]

9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon

Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t fun

How’s your summer going?

my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)

ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.

ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.

ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.

ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.

Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock

Meow?

Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”

One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.

Breakfast in bed this morning! Good thing I fell asleep in a Waffle House booth last night.

My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.

If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.

I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.

I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”

Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!

Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!

[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken

GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet

[sharing a cold one with the guys]

“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”

I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.

She turned around and found out I was walking her home.

[gets down on one knee]

her: omg

[gets down on two knees]

her: ok…

[gets down on third knee]

her: wtf

“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago

You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…

I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.

The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.

Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.

what

[1983]

FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!

ME: Hahaha, cool!

[just now]

ME: OH SHIT BILLY

*pulls out 50 inch TV*

What? It’s really a phone.

My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!

Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.