Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: wheres the 13th floor?

builder: we skip it in all our buildings

me: what why

builder:

me:

builder: *embarrassed* too spooky

[watching basketball]

I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.

And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.

Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.

Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….

ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*

“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”

~ Karma Chameleon

If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?

Checkmate, science.

I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep

[Me watching football on TV]

Oh man this reminds me of high school

Her: you played football in high school?

Me: no, I watched TV

Shit dude that SUCKS

-me as a 911 operator

Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*

Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*

Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…

From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin

It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.

my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”

Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning

Me: Why

Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–

[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]

I remember when yoga was called Twister.

date: I’ll have the chef’s salad

me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad

So we got a goldfish…

STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-

ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all

My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.

A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.

*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*

The most precious boy

Forty is the new thirty!

At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.

This is true.

Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?

Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-

[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER

Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.

It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner

My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!

Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.