Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?

Me: I don’t even think about work at work.

“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner

Guy who invented coffee:

“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”

[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my life

Surgeon: *waves hand* umm hello

“tomorrow i’ll wake up early to do it”

me at 10am:

*being mugged*

me: “im warning you, i know karate”

mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”

Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.

Now picture them holding a pizza box.

me: will I ever have sex again?

doctor: not with that haircut

FRED: right

[bank heist]

rob: what’s the plan

me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank

rob: it’s “rob”

me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank

One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.

Saying “Hmmmmmmmm” when my boss walks in so he knows I’m thinking about stuff

i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day

My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.

Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.

Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.

What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.

Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.

I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.

‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputy

THINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriff

THINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your hand

THINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for love

THINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’

HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.

ATM: just any 4 numbers.

You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.

My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes

Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have

Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.

*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous

Normal people: we want a sensible & intuitive home design

Modern architects: we moved the first floor to the second floor and made the stairs into an infinite loop.

Me when I’m making a big pot of soup: haha fuck yeah!! Yes!!
Me when I have to clean the big pot I used to make the soup: well this f***ing sucks. What the f**k

Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”

Mehh

~Goat, sighing..

Hard not to take this personally