Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial

if you were born after 2005 you are gen z

if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas

Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”

I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?

*bumpes into my ex on the street

*dials a number

Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!

A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.

And now, we wait…

THERAPIST: You’re cured.

ME: Really?!?

THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?

Today’s affirmation:

I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.

When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”

I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.

they finally got him. they got macavity

That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.

You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.

*composes email*

*proofreads*

*hovers mouse over send button*

*proofreads again*

*is about to send*

*proofreads a third time*

*gets glass of water*

*proofreads once more*

*finally sends email*

*re-reads email just for good measure*

OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO

Who called it cremation and not ashashination

This egg could use more egg

– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce

The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech

As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.

“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I’ve read some obituaries with great pleasure.”

— Mark Twain

My wife wants a Ring Doorbell. I claim not to want one because of security concerns but in reality I don’t want her to find out how much food I have delivered when working from home.

Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?

“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”

Sending my 6yo to law school considering how many arguments I’ve had to hear about why he should get to eat pumpkin pie today

Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?

Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?

[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*

That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.

Interviewer: Take a minute to th-

Me: Arendelle.

And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.