I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
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I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.