Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”

[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.

Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power

Leia: By blowing up my planet?

Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation

Leia: NOOO!!!

Me: Loving this juice cleanse.

Wife: That’s sangria.

I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.

my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.

[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body

A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.

I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.

*first day as Robin Hood

“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”

It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity

Welcome to middle age, where you wake up hungover whether you’ve had a drink or not.

me: any clue how my house burned down

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

76% of pardoned turkeys end up back in the system

Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”

Me: “Feel?”

I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.

Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.

Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.

Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?

Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me

“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”

-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.

I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.

Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?

Me: *googles ‘math’*

Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news

[prison]

me: I think I’m breaking out

cell mate: no way that’s insane

me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad

Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.

Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.

I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.

If I ever went to jail for murder it would be for murdering my printer.

everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks

february: no