Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.

boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?

me: a little yes.

boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.

So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…

You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.

I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.

My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”

Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?

No?

One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement

Signs you’re a full fledged adult:

• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking

• You pay attention to the weather now

• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on

• You have a favorite stove burner

• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore

I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.

*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*

principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?

me: I just want to make a difference

My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat

How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”

pirate: walk the plank

someone’s dad: is this teak?

me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*

flight attendant: STOP THAT

What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”

Schrodinger’s Immigrant: A person who is simultaneously too lazy to work, but is also stealing your job.

I spent 11 years becoming a thoracic surgeon because I was too afraid to admit that when I signed up I thought I’d be performing surgery on dinosaurs.

Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.

[first day at seminary]

PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices

ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns

PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*

[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]

Him: hey I just saw your text

Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.

Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”

pelicons

when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch

What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?