I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
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Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
If your so called friends come out of the woodwork when you’re successful I have news for you. Your friends are probably termites. Humans can’t do that. Congrats on the success tho.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Batman: I’m afraid of bats
Superman: I’m afraid of soup
I think I’m having a stroke
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Expected my family to chew me out this morning bc I ate all our cans of Who Hash last night but luckily we were also robbed by the Grinch last night so I blamed him for taking the Who Hash and my stupid Who family totally bought it LET’S GOOOO 🗣️🗣️🗣️
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
