Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….

When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”

Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.

I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.

Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.

Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about

My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables

DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.

Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say

My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.

I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.

A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends

Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.

Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time

Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?

chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all

me: not tonight, my friend

Waiter: and for you?

Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas

My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.

I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.

I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.

I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.

“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.

Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.

[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”

if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab

Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.

To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.

Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…

A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.

*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”