Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.

Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.

Him: I said cologne.

I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.

I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks

Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.

One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.

‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.

I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.

If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.

The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread

Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.

Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”

Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they

People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.

The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”

A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50

We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.

Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.

Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:

I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.

Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.

If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches

[at a dinner party]

Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?

Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*

Me: you’re all blocking the table

I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.

I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.

“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.

“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.

“Because she’s only three,” I replied.

I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.

JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or

If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.

*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*

“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”