Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:

Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger

I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other

IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.

Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.

7: I’m beating you!

Me: Ok.

7: I’m way ahead!

Me: I see that.

7: I’m gonna win!

Me:….

My son on the carousel horse in front of me.

I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.

My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today

I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.

I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate

AWWWW 😍

This is way better than “Live, Laugh, Love.”

Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”

When I was little I asked my dad if I was adopted.

Dad: LOL! Why in the world would we have chosen you?

I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.

If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.

To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.

13: can I play video games?

ME: yep

WIFE: nope

ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice

Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat

I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot

Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?

Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.

Me: I’m flying United today.

Him: Don’t forget your helmet.

Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain

just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”

Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.

I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.

I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.

please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers

Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.

– Me, to the 5 yr old

It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.

I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying

My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.

Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.

I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…