That feeling when you kinda wanna end it all but you’re already in bed and your hara kiri sword is all the way across the room.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
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Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
boy: i wished girls liked sports
girl: i like sports
boy: oh yeah name the blood type of the seahawks coach from the 1990s
Me: You put the “cow” in “coworker”
Her: Excuse me??
Me: It’s a joke format.
Her: I’m telling HR..
Me: Ok but I doubt they’ll get it either.
My boss says I need to work on my people skills & he needs to work on his changing four slashed tires skills.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
My brothers’ families:
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
I’d like to share a joke with you that my 2yo nephew told me.
2yo: Knock knock.
Me: Who’s there?
2yo: I don’t know.
Sometimes I ask my husband to put away the clean dishes so I can play kitchen scavenger hunt next time I need something.