@callmeEvian

I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.

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@FuckabillyRex

That feeling when you kinda wanna end it all but you’re already in bed and your hara kiri sword is all the way across the room.

@jwoodham

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.

@maliagif

boy: i wished girls liked sports
girl: i like sports
boy: oh yeah name the blood type of the seahawks coach from the 1990s

@AristotlesNZ

Me: You put the “cow” in “coworker”
Her: Excuse me??
Me: It’s a joke format.
Her: I’m telling HR..
Me: Ok but I doubt they’ll get it either.

@UGotMeRight

My boss says I need to work on my people skills & he needs to work on his changing four slashed tires skills.

@BoomBoomBetty

Every family has a crazy aunt.

Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.

@nonchalantnacho

Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.

@momtransparent1

Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.

We are NOT ok.

@est1975blog

I’d like to share a joke with you that my 2yo nephew told me.

2yo: Knock knock.
Me: Who’s there?
2yo: I don’t know.
*leaves

@kaytaa

Sometimes I ask my husband to put away the clean dishes so I can play kitchen scavenger hunt next time I need something.