A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
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A woman always gets the last word in an argument, because anything a man says after that is the first words in a new argument.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Hate when the cop is like, “Sir, have you been petting kittens?” and I say, “I petted a few…” as I open the car door and kittens spill out
He died doing what he loved: checking to see if wolves are ticklish.
GOD: Make them imperfect…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.