Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face

Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall

There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.

ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast

While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂

Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.

Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator

I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.

Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.

This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely

Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.

Me on a diet: being fat is fine.

me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof

friend: oof

me: pretty much

[At the Grand Canyon]

Me:

I L o v e T h i s P l a c e

[ECHO]

[ECHO]

GC: Let’s just be friends

In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.

You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid

Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks

*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*

I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.

Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You

*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*

ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?

*slides over pic of him with another dog*

JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.

Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?

Friend: How long till school starts?

Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.

I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed

[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut

I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”

At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.

my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay

HER: what’s your sign?

ME: i’m an asparagus

HER: you mean aquarius

ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun

When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence

Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse

He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him