I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
You Might Also Like
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Bringing a fitted sheet to a knife fight.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.