Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Karaoke Bar]

Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶

Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.

Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder

Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.

Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.

The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.

*immediately after a hysterectomy*

ok weigh me now.

Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!

4-year-old:

2-year-old:

4-year-old:

2-year-old:

4-year-old: The dog.

processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere

Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.

Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.

*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*

My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.

My nephew: Ok i’ll try.

Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria

*tourists taking photos*

Me: Any questions? Yes. You there

Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room

*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!

My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.

I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.

*brings nachos to your exorcism*

“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.

doing your own taxes

When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”

[pumpkin patch]

Cinderella: how many miles on this one?

Farmer: please stop kicking them

Just read the Ten Commandments for the first time and you can’t do shit with your neighbor

I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.

Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.

*one minute after turning out light*

My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.

My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.

My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.

I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.

My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*

My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*

I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.

My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.

Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!