I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
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DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Wife: WHERE IS THE PACK OF HERSHEY BARS I WAS GOING TO USE FOR S’MORES
Me [mouth full, face covered in chocolate]: we wer gunna haf smors?!
My daily affirmation
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
“The Perfect Relationship”
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”