I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
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The internet is magic sometimes.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Aw man, but that’s the best part
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks