I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
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It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Check out the legs on this baby
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid