I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
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This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Bike is short for Bichael.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.