i’m so sick of this guy
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[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Very good news from my accountant
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?