i’m so sick of this guy
You Might Also Like
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
I saw nothing
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development