i’m so sick of this guy
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My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
I’d like to make a formal apology to whomever had to clean the Shake Shack restroom at HWY 35 and Pirate Cove Lane after my visit.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
when you order from DoorDastardly
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.