i’m so sick of this guy
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(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
No one on Facebook can believe their kid is turning ANY age
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
I miss childhood because my back didn’t hurt and I didn’t have to make dinner every night
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever