i’m so sick of this guy
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My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
😩😩😩
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
Money is the root of all wealth
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Morning all.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
🤣😂🤣😂
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.