Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– you, because no matter how many times they deleted you from their contacts, the goddamn cloud brought you back

i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it

if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton

Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?

Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?

If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry

Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’

[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]

Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.

Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.

Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school

Pinocchio: WTF, dude?

I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.

Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?

Wife: I’m definitely bothered

7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!

4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!

HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this

HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this

If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men

You’re the unreachable booger of people.

This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now

If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.

Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*

Emma is smarter than all of us.

Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…

If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now

Gonna need a little more blood sugar before I stand on a 6 foot ladder and have both hands involved in wiring.

This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.

Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.

I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.

morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one

me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs

[ikea date]

him: let’s go check out the beds 😉

me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?

interviewer: how did u hear about us

me: *sweating* w-with my ears