I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
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that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…