I’m so single even my husband won’t match with me on tinder..
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[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
black phone good
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.