I’m so single even my husband won’t match with me on tinder..
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Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
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hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
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I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Taliband
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Me: [watching news]
Child: Why do you watch the news?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: I asked-
Me: I’M THINKING
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.