‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
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My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Telling my son he can’t stay home from school for no reason even though when I was his age I’d blow dry my forehead and tell my mom I had a fever.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Got kicked out of reincarnation club for yelling yolo
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Me: [Donating my body to science.]
Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers