Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daily affirmation

Farmer: Netflix and till

Moonshiner: Netflix and still

Estate planner: Netflix and will

Dentist: Netflix and drill

Attorney: Netflix and bill

Mountaineer: Netflix and hill

Doctor: Netflix and ill

Pharmacist: Netflix and pill

Jack: Netflix and Jill

“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds

[First Date]

Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.

I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse

“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?

When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”

Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.

Overheard This Weekend

Boy: Babe comes over to my place.

Gal: what do you want us to do?

Boy: Just to chill

Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!

*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*

In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.

If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”

Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat

Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.

I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.

Ah..makes sense now

Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.

Scammers: Hi!

Me: Not like that.

Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.

Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows

This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.

I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.

Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :

Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?

Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.

Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”

Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”

Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?

I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality

Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.

It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!

pirate: walk the plank

me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol

pirate: *drops sword* dad?

Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”

John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed

guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here

Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.

this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”