‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
You Might Also Like
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Just ordered me some pizza!
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.