Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.

Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.

– repeat offenders

I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.

liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it

No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.

taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends

Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.

When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William

If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam

Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog

God please let it be a hotdog

Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*

Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*

House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*

Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting

I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”

ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…

{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station

Sidled up to a busker who’d just murdered a Franz Ferdinand song yesterday and whispered “this is exactly how the First World War started”.

“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it

So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?

It’s not like I knew my fly was open!

My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.

Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.

Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.

I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.

I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running

If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.

😂

The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?

i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ

sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day

dad:

sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?

dad: oh yeah, maybe

[they watch tv in silence]

me: ?????

According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.

Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.

WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft