I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
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The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Yes my dude
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
This is me
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Couldn’t recommend it enough.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.