Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.

Me: Like this?

Friend: No, not like that

Me: How about now?

Friend: Please stop

Me:

So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.

[runs out of toilet paper]

Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures

A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana

am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise

Ostracized? Buddy, why would I want to be turned into a bird that can’t fly?

ME: alexa, make it quieter

*music gets way too quiet*

ME: alexa, make it louder

*music gets super loud*

ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter

ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?

ME: jesus christ

ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts

I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.

My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.

WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving

ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change

WIFE: ok you’ve got a week

ME: [crying] a weak what?

Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.

[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]

COACH: you idiots *melts*

Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark

Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.

Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.

It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.

when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops

An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.

Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.

Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶

Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there

The greatest revenge is a life well lived.

If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.

People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1

Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:

“The meeting’s cancelled.”

Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.

Guns don’t kill people

People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people

According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up

Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!

I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.

Bodyguard Idea:

Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.

My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!