Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline

I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.

Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.

Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.

VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!

The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.

All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.

In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.

time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.

repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.

why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free

Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.

marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad

nurse: how do u rate ur pain

me: zero stars

nurse:

me: would not recommend

You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous

Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby

At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item

Cashier: Are these good?

Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering

Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?

Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him

Son: So he’s like 100 years old?

I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li

Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.

[ day 2 of self quarantine ]

me: i’m bored

my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe

my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx

How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.

I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.

Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶

male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives

Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.

I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣

Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.

I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning

Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.

If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.