I’m so smart, I got rid of cable and now I only have $638 in monthly streaming services
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You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
was in a meeting that ran over by about 20 minutes and the presenter was not even close to being finished
until a very exasperated nigerian colleague unmuted herself to announce loudly “i am very unhappy with you, barry”
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
ME: It’s a vampire movie set in ancient Rome
PRODUCER: Keep talking
ME: called Vladiator
HIM: Get out
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
If an alien egg starts hatching in front of u, I would recommend not leaning over it to look inside. I’d back tf up. Just my two cents
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.