Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My nickname in high school was “who?”

Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.

People who talk to themselves tend to be great lovers.
Did you know that?
Yes, I did know that.
Thank you for asking.

I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.

Ikea is like the Hotel California of furniture stores

When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off

Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.

Them: Go big or go home

Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice

Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.

So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.

Required: An app that turns the page of the calendar that’s on the wall.

It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.

Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.

[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar

[Watching “Alien” with my son]

Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared

Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.

I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.

Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.

Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,

I’m a terrible gardener.

Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.

Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice

I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.

No one:

London landlords:

wish me luck lads

Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!

Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like

End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face

Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.

Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”

WebMD: you have all the diseases

Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them

If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.