“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
You Might Also Like
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.