Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat

The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.

Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??

15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule

All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.

a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin

Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.

Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.

Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.

I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake

mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at

Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”

The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground

[first day in the army]

me: hi I like your slacks

him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants

me: ok but I also like your blouse

this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections

According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying

That is some bullshit

Them: I wish for world peace

Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu

So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.

[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*

On the Museum of Science and Industry coal mine tour and the guide asks “how would you improve working conditions in the mine?” This Little One shoots a hand up and cheerfully answers:

“Riot”

Stock market update:

Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok

I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.

Like how I slid in “anal”?

Like how I said “slid in anal”?

A devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and they’re both equally responsible for me failing my maneuverability test

Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain
3.) prisoner of war
4.) homeless person
5.) wizard

If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills

If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…

Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking

ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?

JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective

There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.

My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.