Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.

Me: How was school?

5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders

Me: what did you need to be reminded about?

5:

Me:

5: You don’t need to worry about that

I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.

The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”

I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.

Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!

Me: Sounds great, Dear.

Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.

WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom

HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?

WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.

IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice

ME: I really don’t know what you want from me

Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!

Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ

We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…

[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific

Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference

Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.

Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?

…

CIA: They’re*

I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.

I would totally waterboard you.

-me flirting

found a blob of cinnamon roll icing in my hair. anyway, thought of you

SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?

DRYER: rot in hell, pig

inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no

[Arthur’s Court]

SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table

SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…

From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.

Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.

Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.

me: sorry for speeding officer

cop: you’re parked

me:

cop: in the intersection

me: I can smell your thoughts

cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles

When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.

I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.

Listen I don’t wanna be bent over a balcony. I’m in my forties and my right hip hurts and my left knee hyperextends and my shoulders are constantly knotted so please for the love of Christ find us a bed.

I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life

I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”