Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn

Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.

Her: On a Saturday night?

Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.

Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?

my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u

Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.

It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.

My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.

aladdin: i can show you the world

jasmine: no

aladdin: i can show you a cool bug

jasmine: ok

The wife and I just got divorced.

We split the house………I got the outside.

Let me show you what this mouth can do..

[eats a cheeseburger]

Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.

Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.

him: you’re not like other girls

me, at the urinal next to him: how

okay actually I asked them about this because I legit needed keys cut, so I said excitedly “oh do you all do key cutting???” and the cashier was like 😐 “no???” and I was like “then why do you have this sign then??” and he just shrugged and looked at me like I was the crazy one!!

I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?

have we given a name to earth’s mini moon? may i suggest moon deng

Please do it!

Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.

Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?

[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!

seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!

gf:

seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!

Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!

Me: We have to breakup.

All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.

How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.

a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables

“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”

if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”

Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!

But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.

Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.

had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”

[driving home in silence]

me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy

gf: they were lowering his coffin

I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.

Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.