Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy

GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face

ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent

my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET

As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.

Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?

Taylor Swift on shuffle is like “You turned me into an inside-out monster I’ll kill you if you don’t kill me first” and then four minutes later “just kidding I am a cowgirl who is eleven.”

The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity

ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?

GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]

ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.

GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?

ME: Because I care.

Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot

[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]

Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!

14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.

If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.

lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?

peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂

lost boys:

peter pan: so funny

lost boys: you’re a sociopath

If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.

Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.

Well, shit

Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum

“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?

*quits Twitter to spend time with family*

*remembers what family is like*

*quits family for Twitter*

A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.

When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.

The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.

And then the fortune cookie company fired me

my mom: you still coming over today?

me: definitely

mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—

me: i cant make it

i’m a 10 (tion deficit)

My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.

I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven

Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back

so I asked him to move.

One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it

A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?

I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.

On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?