“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
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Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Almost just got hit by an ambulance, which would have been handy I guess.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
Don’t worry, you’ll find the lost scissors when you’ll be searching for your glasses
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
It was my idea to make parking meters unreadable when the sun is out. I don’t get any money out of it, but I’m proud of my contribution.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Today seems like as good a day as any to start drinking some of these 99 beers on the wall
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis