Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy

Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.

70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”

Friend: I feel like half of the country is upset about the election.

Me: (knowing how votes work) slightly less than half.

Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.

How to run faster:

1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start running

You’re welcome

Saw a guy reading a book and writing notes in it. Not enough words in there for ya bud ?

Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.

Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.

*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”

Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.

Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.

me: any clue how my house burned down

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still

PRIEST: *cry laughing

ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk

MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi

Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up

I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.

Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects

Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again

If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.

Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box

I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It

saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody cares

saying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant

Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.

~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic

Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”

Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser

“…Actually the position has been filled”

Siri: Retweet me.

me: another

bartender: *slides over pudding cup*

We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption

Me: [trying to put on pants]

Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?

I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”

Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄