Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip

Why would werewolves OR vampires need or want to go to high school

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?

Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.

In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.

I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.

I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction

Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything

Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?

Husband: What is today?

Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.

As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?

Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.

I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!

*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closet

It’s so hard to meet people these days

I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.

*Adds track star to resume*

I could start my day without coffee, but I like to say words, and put on clothes

Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:

5. Winds

4. Flooding

3. Power outages

2. No pizza delivery

1. Wet socks

Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector

This tweet is brought to you by Tesco

Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*

Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*

My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.

If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?

I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.

I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…

[both kids wake up sneezing]

…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.

My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.

GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste

BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice

therapist: and what motivation will we use ?

me: hate fueled spite ?

therapist: no

My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.

Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)

My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.

[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me

My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out

For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.