“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.

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– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?


Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.

Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?

Me: because you’re a pessimist.


Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.

I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.


I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.


DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him

ME: cool


TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?

ME: yeah

TREE: cool just checkin


Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?


When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.


“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”

– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game


FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.


You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….