My dentist said I grind at night. I was like, ok stalker.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
You Might Also Like
When you wish upon a star
Makes no difference who you are
It’s a ball of gas and fire
It can’t hear you.
If life had a ‘CTRL + ALT + DEL’ option, you bet your ass I’d be hitting that thing about 14 times a day.
Duct tape can’t fix stupidity, but it can muffle it.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Everyone around me keeps telling me I’m mean.
Which is absurd.
Plus, they’re ugly.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
why are we mad at Beyonce for cultural appropriation when we could be mad that she made us listen to a Coldplay song?
This one goes out to all the girls of Generation X who pretended to like Slipknot for some dude who broke up with them anyway.