“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.

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When you wish upon a star
Makes no difference who you are
It’s a ball of gas and fire
It can’t hear you.


If life had a ‘CTRL + ALT + DEL’ option, you bet your ass I’d be hitting that thing about 14 times a day.


As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.


Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.


Everyone around me keeps telling me I’m mean.

Which is absurd.

Plus, they’re ugly.


why are we mad at Beyonce for cultural appropriation when we could be mad that she made us listen to a Coldplay song?


This one goes out to all the girls of Generation X who pretended to like Slipknot for some dude who broke up with them anyway.