“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
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Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”