@Prero22

“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.

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@AdamOfEarth

When you wish upon a star
Makes no difference who you are
It’s a ball of gas and fire
It can’t hear you.

@Shock_Monster

If life had a ‘CTRL + ALT + DEL’ option, you bet your ass I’d be hitting that thing about 14 times a day.

@squirrel74wkgn

As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.

@kelter1

Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.

@NervousJr

Everyone around me keeps telling me I’m mean.

Which is absurd.

Plus, they’re ugly.

@vmochama

why are we mad at Beyonce for cultural appropriation when we could be mad that she made us listen to a Coldplay song?

@MomOnFire

This one goes out to all the girls of Generation X who pretended to like Slipknot for some dude who broke up with them anyway.