I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
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I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Why is my phone always out of memory, I grumble to myself as I sit here deleting 500 pictures of my kid’s big toe
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*