i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
You Might Also Like
Always the vampires
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
15 passed his driver’s permit test today. so going forward this will now be a parent horror-comedy account.
Pot warmers of the day.
I鈥檓 only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 馃槀 馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
銋ゃ叅
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.