Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: i love bad boys

me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am

Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.

Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.

If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath

[GRAND CANYON]

WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?

ME: It’s ok.

WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?

ME: I don’t want to talk about it

SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot

ME: Wow

SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion

ME: Ok

SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot

44.65

*click*
44.87

*click*
44.96

*click*
44.98

*click*
44.99

*click*
45.01

~ gas pumps

me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better

Stop me if you’ve heard this already.

-said no kid ever

HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!

ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.

If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter

It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.

I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting

Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.

omg leave her alone

I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.

families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one

funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings

I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.

[at TED talk]

OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?

*entire crowd stands*

No a MEDICAL doctor

*entire crowd sits*

Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me

Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true

Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?

Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.

Butterfly courtship ritual:

Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere

I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery

Text a coworker at a random time “are you joining this meeting?” as a fun holiday prank

He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”

She: “Halloween mode?”

He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”

#Halloween #RubbishJokes

Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.

[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*

If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now

it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy

Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars