Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?

i know that the frontal lobe is not developed before age 25 because i got married when i was 24 and decided to get my first ever spray tan spontaneously on the day of my wedding.

Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.

2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”

brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.

Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.

Hey IKEA,

Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.

my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?

*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”

*15 seconds into makeup application*

I’m bored. This is good enough.

Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis

Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?

May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”

Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try

I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.

hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?

Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.

Another mom asked me if I had found the big L on my kids’ heads yet. I got super offended thinking she was calling my kids losers. It was lice. She was talking about lice.

Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.

If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.

My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.

Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic

Watson was Holmes schooled

I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”

[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless

Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?

While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.

7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.

M: Join the club.

Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.

Joe: no please no more.

Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*

If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.

I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.