“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
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me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
“Are you just going to sit there all day?”
“No! Now and then I’ll be walking to the fridge and back”
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.