“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
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I bought a fridge magnet but it’s yet to attract a single fridge.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.