Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.

[Christmas morning]

Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]

In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .

I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks

[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”

absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker

And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”

I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.

My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.

Little does she know, her father is the prank master

Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.

Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies

More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.

Pick one and get out of my face.

Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.

My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.

welcome back

Do you look ludicrous in tight, illuminous clothing? Or enjoy paying a fortune to tear ligaments? What about going fast and stopping by slamming your face against a tree? You do? Then why not book a skiing holiday?

I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.

I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?

For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.

I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…

I finally gave up telling my Boomer mum there’s no fine for not rewinding the movie after watching it anymore… Netflix have people who do that after you go to bed, mum!

This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers

[Masterchef]

Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish

Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef

[speed dating]

Her: THIS IS NICE

Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO

Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?

Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED

Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.

I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.

Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide

Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.

I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”

I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight

Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.

Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?

Them: You’ve changed.

Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.